Faith Choyce

Snooki. Paris Hilton. The Kardashians. The list could go on. We love to bitch about how The Jersey Shore, Paris Hilton, and The Kardashians are destroying the very fabric of America.

You might think they’re famous for nothing or that they don’t deserve what they’ve got. You’ve probably found yourself wondering, “Why them and not me?” You might even be saying to yourself, “I’m intelligent, hardworking, creative…AND I have integrity!”

So, what REALLY sets us apart from the dumb-as-dirt and rich-as-shit douchebags you see on tv? I mean, besides the fact that The Situation’s weekly mani-pedis probably cost more than my monthly food budget?

Here’s one thing you might not want to hear about the people we love to hate. We can learn a thing (or four) from them. It’s true, co-opting (and slightly modifying) a few douchebaggy traits can actually help you get what you want and/or need out of life:

4. Douchebags don’t know when their ideas are idiotic

Every single idea a DB has is brilliant in their own mind, or at the very least, worth entertaining. And if it’s not, they’ll never let you know. How often do you overhear some vapid snatchmonster shrieking “Like, ohmifugginggawd Shelly, we should totally have our own tv show” or “Dude brah, my life is so awesome, it should totally be a book.”

And then…THEY ACTUALLY DO IT. You see examples of this everyday when you scoff at the latest crappy sitcom that got renewed, or the coloring book that made it onto the New York Times Bestseller List.  Quit talking yourself out of pursuing new ideas or goals because you think someone else will think they’re stupid. They might, but it really doesn’t matter.

3. Douchebags aren’t afraid to jump out of a plane without a parachute

Risk-taking. It’s sort of a thing for the average DB. Skydiving, steroids, barfights, HPV.

I’ll bet that none of the Jersey Shore cast members ever thought, “Maybe I shouldn’t do this. It’s a dumb idea and I don’t possibly see how this experience can enhance my quality of living. I’m just gonna keep living my so-so life.”

It’s pretty rare that anyone has a huge success without a few significant failures. Don’t be afraid to ignore risk like a douchebag (minus the risk that gets you herpes and stuff).

2. Douchebags don’t understand the word “NO”

When douchebags hear “NO”, they interpret it as “you’re not trying hard enough”. Take that approach with life (except with sex, because that’s rape and it’s NOT okay to be rapey).

1. Douchebags don’t see the “T” in “can’t”.

The word’s just not in their vocabulary. Mostly because they don’t really read or own things like dictionaries and thesauruses, but that’s not the point. Douchebags believe in themselves to a fault. As long as you’re mentally and physically able to give it (whatever IT happens to be) another go, you’ve really got no excuses. Especially since you’re smarter than a douchebag.

Some of your pursuits might fail miserably. Or the complete opposite.

But you never know in which order that will happen. 98% of groundbreakingly successful ideas failed the first 5 times around. That’s a statistic that I just made up, but you get the point, right?

So, go ahead. Just for a moment, take it in full stride that when your mom tells you you’re the best-looking, smartest, most talented individual to ever walk this earth, that it’s 103% true.

And tackle your goals accordingly. Be douchebag strong. Just stay away from orange tans, sex tapes, and blacking out on camera.

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