Faith Choyce

I occasionally surf Cragslist for fun. Because my life is that productive. I have that much free time on my hands. Actually I don’t usually have any free time. My affair with CL occurs in short, brutal stolen bursts of craziness, like sex in a bathroom stall when a very large woman wearing leather from 1987 really has to pee and keeps pounding on the door. It’s fun while it lasts, and often amusing, but when it ends you feel like you really should have kept a mini bottle of Purel hand sanitizer in your pocket for the afterglow.

CL is a very guilty pleasure of sorts and a source of amusement in the “man, are people really THAT stupid/ignorant/desperate/horny/angry/illiterate/insert unflattering adjective here” sort of a vein.

So we come to the W4W section, and…daaaaaang!! Whooooda thunk it? Not a W4W in sight. Lotsa guys looking for a “surprise” for their girlfriend/wife/unwilling-chained-in-the-basement captive who doesn’t know that she is bisexual. But mostly, losta creepers pretending to be hot desperate coeds looking for a great time. Followed by frantic warnings from gals who thought their ad sounded sexay and ended up responding, only to find out during the inevitable “for some reason I like you despite the fact that you type like a 13-year old girl who has somehow been reading poorly-written erotica from back when the internet was only two colors and we really should get to know each other better” phone call, that the original poster is indeed a creepy-to-the-hilt and possibly escaped death row inmate of a straight guy.

That being said, I decided to do my “good deed for the day without leaving my chair” and came up with a way to help those poor, misguided souls who fall for these understudied imposters and their ever-so-wittily worded pleas for close encounters of the lady kind. I called it:

How to spot a creepy guy who may also be a serial killer in w4w postings:

1. OP includes an EXTREME close-up freshly-waxed dripping vajay shot, and the picture was taken with remarkable, almost photography studio-like lighting with a 10 megapixel camera with a telephoto lens. 

I mean, seriously, is that how I’m supposed to recognize you when we meet for the first time at Starbucks after we email and talk on the phone and I decide you’re worth my time? Well maybe on the phone you’ll say, “I’ll be the one ass-up on the table by the window with my pants on the floor, spread-eagled with my cut-off cardigan pulled over my head. OKAY? TTYL!!! ” By the way, did anyone tell you the curtains don’t match the carpet?

2. OP uses an inordinate amount of exclamation points, cheesy innuendo, numbers to stand for letters,and has forgotten that their CAPS LOCK key is on. For example: “HEY!!!!! MY NAME IS SSSSINDY AND IM LOOKING FOR A HOT, STR8, SEXY YOUNG COLLEGE GIRL TO CUMmmm OVER AND PLAY WITH ME BECAUSE I LOVE LOVE LOVE GIRLS!!! NOW!! OKAY??? I NEED IT BAD! yummmmmyyyyyyyyyyy!!! L8ERS!!!! ”

Guy, guys, guys. Stop taking your clues from the Playboy Channel’s, “Diaries of a Naughty Schoolgirl”. No vagina-owning individual actually types this way, not unless they’ve suffered multiple concussions or they’re in junior high and they’re pretending to be older to pick up on balding, overweight loser older men who hang out online pretending to be 20-something, attractive Miami-Beach personal trainers. Oh wait, so THAT’s where you guys have been.

3. OP emphasizes again and again, “NO GUYS, NO MEN, NO DUDES, NO DICKS, COCK-A-DOODLE-NO”. Not to mention the grammatical atrocities and horrific typos. Oh, gods save me. Like in this one:

HELLO GIRLS,
I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX AND ENJOY TONIGHT AT MY PLACE FOR ONE NIGHT. I’M HISPANIC, 23, 120, 5’8. I HAVE BEAUITFUL BODY SLIM & SLENDER. I HAVE 4 TATTOS AND ONE TONGUS PIERCE.I’M VERY SWEETIE, FRIENDLY, SMILE AS BEAUITFUL. I’M STILL WAITING STAY UP. I’M NOT PLAYING GAME I’M SERIOUS I’M 100% LESBIANS! I WILL SEND U MY PICS AFTER U SEND ME UR PICS.PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE NOOOO MENNNNNN!!!!!!!! PLEASEEE ONNNNLLLYYY WWWOOOMMMEEEN!!! THANKS XOXO PRINCESS!

OK, we get it. You’re a dude, and you’re sick of dudes responding to your ad with dick pics. Just know that’s what you’re gonna get, because you think alike and that’s ALL you’re gonna get when you post a billboard-sized dripping snatch shot or pancake-y areolas.

4. OP uses words like “quiver”, “juicy”, “succulent”, and “shiver” in a post that begins, “Looking for A Friend”.

Bad erotica does not an interesting post make. Sorry guys, it’s true. 

6. OP describes themselves as any combination of three or more of the following: hot, young, blonde, bored, college student, size 0 waist and 36 DD, “slime” and slender (again the obvious typos are often a dead giveaway).

If you really are that HOT, YOUNG, BLONDE, and in college then you have no shortage of fellow HOT, YOUNG, BLONDE girls and guys to bang it out with.

What we learned from all this:

In short, it was a hit. Surprisingly, I even got a few responses from hetero bio-dudes, who claimed that they were lurkers but never posters in W4W and got a kick out of it. Though I’m pretty sure they were lying and used it to collect a few tips.

Yes, there were the angry women who claimed that I was letting men in on secrets and making them better at deception (who may have been angry men pissed at being exposed who were pretending to be angry women who are too stupid to sort out the truth from the lies).

Either way, I say I’m just contributing to the intellectual well-being and integrity of CL, no matter how minuscule that change might be. Because fake ads will be there whether you like it or not.

Wouldn’t you rather they weren’t nauseating to read?