Smoke Em If You Got Em
2/7/12
According to the BBC, Jamaica has melted down about 2,000 illegal firearms as part of a program to reduce gun trafficking and violent crime on the island. In completely unrelated news, Taco Bell tacos, smoking pipes and Zippo lighters on the island are now retailing for $0.02 apiece.
Don’t Touch My Tech
12/19/10
Touchless smartphones and TVs could be on sale as early as 2012. This is groundbreaking news for those of us who feel that the acts of watching tv and talking on the phone have become WAY too labor intensive.
Drugs, Not Hugs
11/30/11
Federal agents in California have uncovered the “most sophisticated” drug tunnel in years, running from California to Tijuana. One official, who wishes to remain unnamed, has reported that the tunnel is constructed entirely out of caviar, opera ticket stubs, and Ivy League school acceptance letters.
Pocahontas’ Happy Place
11/27/11
An archaeologist in Virginia has discovered the remains of the world’s oldest Protestant church and is convinced it’s the wedding site of Pocahontas. The location is also known in her tribe’s native tongue as “the place where she was dragged and forced to marry that old white dude”.
West Siiiiiide Story
11/20/11
Police have reopened an inquiry into the mysterious death of film star Natalie Wood, who drowned in 1981. Also on the list of reopened cold case files is the peculiar drowning of author Virginia Woolf in 1941. Officials added, “If we can find out who killed Virginia Woolf, we might consider looking into Biggie & Pac.”